Milkshake Man (Australia 2025)

Song 3 of 37, and it's time for the first of three rather horny songs in the 69th edition of the Eurovision Song Contest (suffice to say, they understood the brief). It's Australia with Go-Jo, the Milkshake Man!

(Source)

Lyrics: 70%
Composition: 62.5%
Vocals: 72%
Staging: 68%
Vibes: 70%
Overall: 68.5% ^{(so nearly 69%...)}

Verdict: Waves arms in circles

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LYRICS - Total: 17.5/25 (70%)
Subject Matter: 6.9/10 (but let's round it up to 7)
Effective Use of Language: 3/5
Clarity: 3.5/5
Flow: 4/5

Subject Matter-wise, it's a fun song that doesn't take itself too seriously. It's here for a good time. I can respect that. (Maybe he and Kelis could join up and become a Milkshake power couple? lmao)

According to Go-Jo, this is a song about self-love (insert adult joke here) - specifically, about getting people to embrace the loudest and proudest version of themselves. And I can see how the song kinda does that through following bit:

The shake is not a drink, it's a state of mind
It's a secret superpower you were born to find
Drink it every day and before you know it
You'll be bigger and stronger with harder bones (whoo!)

- "Milkshake Man", by Go-Jo 

And also through singing about how the Milkshake Man wants to spread his own blend of positivity throughout the world... ^{(using "the naughty special on [his] crême brûlée".)} 

That saiiiiiiid... I also have to say that on some level, a milkshake man offering you a sip from his special cup is giving just a little bit more "sleazy/dirty old man" than "humourous uncle". And... while the song is fun, the lyrics don't quite get me off my seat. Memeworthy? Hell yeah. Great? Ehhhh, not so sure about that.

 Additionally, "When I say sweet sweet, you say yum yum" feels like too blatant an attempt at getting the audience to participate. For me, it falls flat and feels a little awkward.

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COMPOSITION - Total: 12.5/20 (62.5%)
Melody/Bass: 3.5/5
Instrumentation: 3/5
Development: 2.5/5
Coherence: 3.5/5

I'm a sucker for narrative - whether lyrically, musically, or otherwise - and I like songs that are more than the sum of their parts. So naturally, when I heard the 4-bar introduction from "Greensleeves", I had to find out why it was there.

... well, apparently, Greensleeves is either a song about unrequited love or about promiscuity - according to this article, anyway. So yeah, in the second interpretation, shaking up all the milk he can definitely qualifies 🤣

Anyway, this song is okay. I have made very few other notes on it musically. I did find the bassline a little un-purposefully repetitive, and I don't think the song really developed much past the bit from Greensleeves into the main verse. It all sounded kind of same-y after a while.

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VOCALS - Total: 18/25 (72%)
Vocals: 14/20
Immersion: 4/5

This song feels a little spoken than sung. Other than that, the singing is... fine? There are a few dodgy notes, but otherwise there's nothing that really stands out to my non-vocally-trained ear. He's hitting what he needs to, there aren't any particularly egregious misses - but on the other hand, I'm not as drawn in to his voice or his singing as I expected to be, and it feels like there weren't that many avenues for Go-Jo to demonstrate his singing ability, I suppose.

Yeah, it was okay.

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STAGING - Total: 17/25 (68%)
The Show: 6/10
The Story: 7/10
Outfits: 4/5

First thoughts on the performance - Go-Jo is certainly swinging his arms around in circles a lot. Is that him shaking up all the milk he can?

On the whole, I don't think the staging is bad. But it also feels somewhat lackluster. The floor and wall screens splashing milk and fruits across the floor was a nice touch. The blender is pretty fun, as is the smoke machine allowing for the quick change of outfits, but it was only used twice and other than that it seemed pretty... static. It's a huge oblong-ish box that takes up a lot of the screen, especially since it's taller than the performers - and for me, Go-Jo and crew weren't charismatic enough or (somehow) weren't large enough to displace it. Doubly so since there were only three of them visible on stage, so on the whole everything felt a little... unvarying.

The infomercial/teleadvertising take on it was something I don't think I've seen much - definitely not on Eurovision, anyway. Given the subject matter, it works, but the colour scheme just seemed a little too pastel. Or dull. It certainly wasn't as vibrant as I'd hoped it was going to be. So... there was quite a bit that I thought could've gone a little better.

I'm not sure about the double costume change. I found it a little strange that they ripped Go-Jo's 2nd shirt off instead of using the blender again. Maybe they thought the blender would be overused at that point. But if the whole point of the story is that the milkshake (or the magical blender tbh) changes you, then ripping off his clothes certainly doesn't further that narrative. Felt more like fanservice than anything story-related :P

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VIBES - 70%
Fun. I can see myself coming back to this. Not very often, and I'd probably hesitate to add it to one of the playlists I have on rotation, but I'd be happy to listen to it if it came on randomly.